Scratch That

Okay. Do you remember that bit about weekly posts on Friday? Well, life (work) has changed on me and that doesn't quite look like it is going to be happening, so I have to rearrange my schedule. I still plan to get things started up here soon, but I don't know exactly when that will be. I have to focus on my coursework first, as my courses for the current semester all have to be completed within the next 7 weeks. Therefore, I expect that I will start to get things underway sometime after that.

Late Start

Things have been really screwy lately and I haven't had time for much of anything. That said, this Friday, things should get started and what I mentioned in my previous post should come to pass.

What's New!

I've had this blog for a long time and, recently, have not been publishing much to it. I want to change that and I have five reasons why:

I want to share my opinions. I want to tell people what products I like because, while I condemn thoughtless advertising, I am all for recommending products I actually like. I also want to comment on various ideas and situations we encounter in everyday life. I don't intend to limit my posts to certain categories. I will write reviews on everything from tech to video games to personal care(double edge razors, hairbrushes, etc.) items. My other commentary will cover everything issues arising when people encounter the Bible to how fast you should be going when you merge onto the interstate. I'll also cover things like what music or shows I like, but as I type this out I am thinking this would be included under reviews.

I want to improve my English. When I entered college I had a grasp on the English language that earned me perfect scores in my writing classes. I have always attributed that to the fact that I have a long history of blogging. In recent years, with my decline in blogging, social interaction, and my time spent in 日本, I feel like my grasp of the English language has slipped a bit. I am hoping that by writing this blog, I will be able to prevent the dust from gathering on my writing skills, both now and after I return to 日本.

I want to improve my typing. Practice makes perfect, right? I am sitting here typing on the holy grail of English typing instruments but I still only hammer out a meager 38 wpm with roughly 93% accuracy. I have decided that I need more practice and I hope to one day find myself typing at around 100 wpm at the same or better accuracy.

I want to connect with people who care about me. While I am not anti-social, I find arranging any social situation to be exhausting and, as a result, don't really interact with anybody who doesn't live with me. Most people I know are usually unaware of how I'm doing or what I've been up to lately. I want to change that. Furthermore, if anyone feels the need to comment on what I've posted, that will allow dialogue to open up and create a two-way connection where there is normally only a one-way connection.

I want to establish some habits. Basically, I want to publish something once a week on Friday, follow that with schoolwork, and do some software development and 日本語の勉強 every Saturday. The idea here is that if I get started doing one on a regular predictable basis, the others will be as easy as asking myself, "What next?".

After I start building up reviews of different products, I may start to advertise either through Google's AdSense or the manufacturers themselves. This, I hope, will allow you to easily find the products I recommend as my eclectic tastes sometimes require shopping at places outside of Amazon. If I don't like what is being advertised, or I hear from many of my readers that the advertisements aren't helping them find the product I recommend, I will take the advertising off. However, before I start advertising, I want to have several quality reviews posted so that the ads have something to pull data from.

That's all for this week. Watch out for next week's post when I'll give my review on a certain typing instrument.

Google

It's that time of year. Google has decided to close Google Reader and many people, myself included are disappointed. On the other hand, there is something about RSS readers that I have always thought made them seem really archaic. That said, I wish Google wasn't closing this down.

This isn't the first time Google has cut a project from its roster. Google Health, a Twitter clone whos name I can't remember, Google Notebook, Google Video, and dozens of other projects have preceded Google Reader(Surprisingly, however, Orkut is still around). The difference with Google Reader seems to be the mass scramble across the internet to find a substitute for something that has stood largely unchallenged on the internet for years. It makes you wonder what kind of post-apocalyptic world we would be living in if Google were to cut something like GMail, or if the company itself were to vanish completely.

Having said all of that, I still don't see to much of a problem with how Google works. I have been able to see where they have cut certain projects because they didn't improve Google as a whole and I can understand Google wanting to move staff working on extra projects that don't really fall inline with the Google ecosystem to the many half-finished projects they consider a critical part of it(Hangouts comes to mind). I see a lot of good possibilities in the direction that Google is heading and I am optimistic about what will be provided to us as users in the future.

P.S. Is it just me, or is Google no longer the reckless baby that it once was?

A Long Working Vacation in the United States

I honestly never expected this day would come, but it has. I am currently looking at spending a year or more in the United States of America. As some of you may have known, I have decided to spend the rest of my life in Japan, returning to the States occasionally to spend a week or so with family and friends. Unfortunately, a series of unfortunate events have changed what would be a short holiday to a working vacation that will last for so long that I might end up curled into the fetal position before it is all over.

The prospect of this return has caused me to look at the pros and cons of returning to the States.

Pros:

• Family
• Friends
• Waffle House

Cons:

• Leaving the Japanese lifestyle
• The lack of Japanese food
• Not being around and speaking as much Japanese
• Being around and speaking English
• Having to import the vast majority of the things I desire
• 秘密です
• Feeling like a fish out of water
• 秘密です
• Mediocre Italian Restaurants
• Going back to being terrified to leave anything lying around anywhere.

There may be other pros and other cons, but I can't think of them right now.

• 
  

Life Lessons: 2012

With the year 2012 coming to a close, I have realized that many important things, both good and bad, have happened to me this year. Some, I have to take responsibility for while others rest purely on the shoulders of others.

I have to stop procrastinating. I can't even say when I started procrastinating, but I must have began early because the entirety of my memories contains acts of procrastination. Having done it for so long, I don't think I ever realized I needed to stop until this December. I can look back and see the consequences of it on my life and, most notably, my college education, but I only realized it two weeks ago when a surprise low in my sugar levels prevented me from completing homework I had planned finish 30 minutes before class. I still can't understand why I procrastinated one of the most desired things in my life, but maybe if I can stop the lifestyle the reason will matter no more.

At about the same time I realized I needed to stop procrastinating, I realized that I am very pessimistic about things pertaining to myself. I find my self constantly focusing on the negative aspects of myself, elevating my failures over my achievements. There was a time when I tricked myself into believing that this was humility. Recently, I've been in denial of the fact that I've been trying to push myself over the edge. Now I know it, and now I will strive to be different, to be better. "I'm forgiving what I've done." - Linkin Park

Despite my procrastination, I have managed to learn a lot this semester. While I am a long way away from being able to write this post in Japanese, my ability after three months of study is the subject of amazement among those I have encountered. I am quite thankful that God has blessed me in this regard. More and more I get the feeling that He wants me here. I look forward to seeing what He has to come, and to getting better at my Japanese.

I've also learned that I can't expect myself to fix everything. This year, so many things have happened to my friends, family, and church that I have felt the need to fix, but haven't been able to. Once upon a time, a man I knew had to make a tough choice in regard to his daughter and that caused me to contemplate how difficult it would be to place one's family in the hands of God and be responsible for the family at the same time. This year, my family was torn apart by a second divorce and the consequences resulted in immense difficulty for those close to me. For months, I was consumed with thoughts of what I should do to help my family emotionally and financially as they went through this tough time. I was prepared to quit school, move back home, and take on a full time job to help out. But after some time, I realized that I needed to let God take care of my family and that I needed to step through the door he had opened for me.

I've also realized that it is highly likely that I will never be married. I tend to go back an forth on this subject, but some recent events have solidified the idea in my mind. The divorce of my mother and step-father, and the ending of the dating relationships between my two brothers and  my two of my best friends caused doubt to resurface. While there is no doubt that the divorce of parents has an effect on the children, this was my second. To add to it, my oldest little brother and his girlfriend had a relationship that everyone was almost certain would end only in death, but the two were choosing radically different paths in life and the relationship saw its end. My youngest brother and his girlfriend had a rocky relationship that had no doubt began years ago, but became official here at the beginning of the year. Despite the complications of their relationship, they always came back together. However, this time, it really is over. After that, I read a lot about dating relationships and marriage and I became convinced that my complete lack of desire and other aspects in my life made a single life the only possibility for me. Furthermore, this was cemented in my mind when a discussion with my friend Yusuke yielded the following verses: 

8But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 NASB

With the previous in mind, I move forward as I am.

I look forward to what God has for me in the future, because I can see where God has done so much in the past. Also, on a personal level, I can see where I can improve in 2013 and the wisdom of the Japanese, which also happens to be the wish of my late Grandmother, compels me to がんばんって。(Do my best!)

Deceitful Feelings

I don't write here nearly enough. I want to, but it seems what I want to do isn't always what I do. I guess that, if I wanted to, I could justify not posting since I only know of one of my friends who reads this. Then again, others might read it without subscribing to it. Even if no one does, I would argue that this is worth writing even if Grace is the only one who reads it. That said, I think it is time to get on with the reason for writing this post and shed a little light on the title of it.


I've been moved out of my parent's house for close to a year and a half at this point. Furthermore, I've been living in a legitimate apartment that I have been paying for myself. I officially have my own life, bills, belongings, and all. And yet, I don't feel like I'm at home. I can remember traveling to the various place I've been in life, and returning home with a feeling that was like, "I'm home." It was relaxing and refreshing. That is a feeling I haven't known for a long time. For that last 6-7 months, I've wanted to be in Crossville while I was in Cookeville, and Cookeville while I was in Crossville. Increasingly, I am feeling more and more like I don't belong in either place. Still, I know that I have a home, I just don't feel it.


It would seem that knowledge and feelings are often different, as I have been coping with their inconsistencies for years now. Even now, given everything I've mentioned above, and the myriad of other things that I have experience in recent years, I still don't feel like I'm an adult. Matter of fact, I haven't felt any different for nearly a decade. I've handled all matter of tough decisions and problems, but before, during, and since each event I've felt the same. However, this doesn't necessarily make me feel bad, as I still don't see an advantage to the stuck up, boring lifestyle that adults appear to have in general. Of course, my viewpoint on life is the subject of another post.


Still, I wish I could feel like I'm at home when I am.

Blog All About It!

The following was supposed to be published in January. I had one more thing I wanted to add to it, but forgot to do so. So, if you can, please pretend it is late January when you read this.


Life is an adventure.


Unlike many adventures we've read about in books, however, life is not constantly filled with captivating, or for that matter, interesting stories. That said, there have been a few things happen lately that I feel are blog-worthy. Here they are, in the order that they come to mind.


The day was a Sunday in the current month, but far enough back that I've had time to reflect on the situation, and I have volunteered to be part of a skit at the Church. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but with my friends Lori and Jordan participating, I just naturally kind of stepped up to the plate. In reflection, I'm kind of surprised I did, but nevertheless, I look forward to what is ahead. This will be the first skit I've been a part of in a decade. The last time I was an extra who just stood and watched with anticipation the actions of the lead characters. This time, I have the honour, the burden, and the pleasure of being the one who will portray the lead character.


Right after, or maybe it was right before, the above Sunday, I started classes at TTU. I had to sign up for a bunch of classes just because I needed to maintain full time status, but all that prompted was the perusing of the TTU catalog in greater depth. What did I find? I signed up for Kempo, Tai Chi, and Kendo along with Object-Oriented Programming and a class in the use of signs and symbols in language. All of these classes are great, but I must say I am really happy to be taking the Tai Chi class, which I will be spelling Taiji from this point on. My particular excitement comes in part from the fact that I have wanted to study Taiji (太极) for quite some time. Further increasing my elation, the teacher of the class has been studying from the Chen masters herself, and believes in teaching legitimately. She also is against assigning rank of any kind, a task that has become a monetary pursuit in much of western society. Furthermore, my teacher has, at my request, stated that I could take private lessons from her as well.


And there there are the assorted small things that make life a little bit more wonderful. I found a website that provide two envelopes of candy from Japan per month! I just recently got a cat from Japan!(A plush cat called Sakamoto)`` Also, I was recently able to replace my X-Box 360 with a Halo 3 Edition X-Box 360.

I Don't Always Get What I Want

There have been many times in my life that my mother has looked at me and said, "You don't always get what you want," and all of those times she had been talking about how sometimes what you want is withheld from you, but that is not what this post is about. No, this time, 'getting what I want' is an action that I am failing to do.

Of course, this post doesn't address a particular time in my life, but a reoccurring problem.that I just realized today. There are so many things that I've wanted to try, buy, do, become, and refrain from, but I haven't. And while I've learned to live without some of those things already, I'm increasing finding that more and more things in my life are getting added to the list. Even more taxing than that, today it occurred to me that I want to get a Master's of Science in Artificial Intelligence and Data Mining, and that, so far, I haven't been acting like it.

This is something that makes me wonder, why don't I do what I want to do.

Just a Quick Blurb

Nothing super-special here, I just wanted to let my reader(and if there are others, readers) know that I have enabled viewing my blog on a mobile device, such as an Android phone or iPhone. Also, I have more to say, later, so stay tuned.

Held Back

Have you ever wanted something really bad, only to find a nameless something was holding you back? I have, I do. I just filed for withdrawal from my summer classes because I can't seem to do my homework. It is not that it is hard, rather it is extremely simple, but I just can't make myself do it. This has been a real source of trouble for me despite the fact that I have been a model student for the majority of my education. What's worse, is I know that getting my homework done is what I have to do to get what I know I want, but it just kills me to do it. I don't know why necessarily, but the problem exists anyways.

Of course, what's really beginning to bother me is the consequences of my current actions. I have lost my HOPE scholarship for good, I'm looking at losing my job at the school, ending up on Academic Probation, and if this continues for much longer, trying to pay off the thousands of dollars of school loan with a Burger King paycheck.

Stuff like this makes me wonder if what I'm doing is what God wants? I've asked Him repetitively to guide me, but at this rate, He's going to have to write on the wall in my apartment or I'm going to end up a serious mess.

--

From Heart and Mind,

Jonathan

Open

I read a post by one of my friends recently, and it inspired me to write post of my own. So, with a little Rooibos to calm my nerves, I'm going to try to be open.


I love my friends. My best friends share the same place in my heart as my family.
Most of my friends are girls.
Their gender means nothing to me.
I receive never-ending torture for it, though.


I trust my family with my safety, but not my secrets.
I trust my friends with some of my secrets.


I now know that people have hurt me in life...
that I've bottled it up...
and that the tremendous effort my subconscious constantly makes to keep that hurt buried is cause me mental, emotional, and spiritual stress to the point that it makes it hard for me to function as a normal person.


I am working through that with my Heavenly Daddy.


I compare my earthly father figures to Him, they keep losing.


I tricked my self into handling my emotions in my brain...
to protect my heart.
I think I fooled most people.


I lost feeling, though.
I lost motivation.
I'm getting better.


I still can't cry when I want to.


I've guarded one secret for more than a decade.
I want to tell it to someone, but I am afraid to get hurt.


I am a very delicate person, though I do not show it.
I love to be included in things, but I don't invite myself.


Mom and brother are sacred terms in my eyes.


I don't date.
I've never had my first kiss.
I've never had a girlfriend.
I've decided that I want only one girlfriend...
and only one wife.


I want someone to share my life with...
before I leave planet earth.


I believe my Heavenly Father will bring her to me.


I wear black because it is the only thing in my closet.
I tried to wear white.
I don't wear shorts.


I love music more than most, even though my mother doesn't believe me.


I want to live in Japan for at least five years...
and maybe become a citizen.


I like the town I grew up in...
only because of the people that are there.


I tell jokes. Most of them are not funny.


I like Halo.
I hate sports.


I think two-piece swimsuits are tacky.


I'm a gamer...
I have a Mattel Intellivision, NES, SNES, Sega Genesis, N64, Playstation 2, and an X-Box.


I always wonder if the usage of 'a' and 'an' are based on spelling or pronunciation.


I get great joy from the little things in life.


I am an observer.
I dedicate a large amount of energy and time to study everything and everyone around me, and do so with out realizing it.


I want to be a wise person that people seek for advice one day.
I love helping others through their problems.


I love to sleep...
but my little brother is better at it than I am.


I hate driving...
Walking, cycling, and the occasional bus ride are my primary means of transportation.


I love the fall, the winter, and the first part of the spring.
I hate it when it is hotter than 75 degrees.


I relish the individual beauty of each season...
except the summer, since I stay indoors.


I am a night owl.
I want to live in the city.


I like Green and Organic lifestyles, but only because God said we should be good stewards of what He has given us.


I hate to tell people what to do.
I was a manager at a fast food restaurant for 3 years.
I only yelled at my employees once,
and then I cried,
because I wanted to make my Heavenly Daddy proud.


You see, my Heavenly Daddy stepped in where my father figures on earth have failed.


I may be wrong in this, but I don't worry about making them proud.


I don't dwell on the future.
I hardly think about it at all.
I am afraid of it.
So I live in the here and now.
I don't think about the past...
Daddy told me not to.


By the way, I am still referring to my Heavenly Daddy, if I change to someone else, I'll clarify it.


I'm an imperfect perfectionist in an imperfect world with imperfect people.
In short, I'm crazy ;-}


I like Miss Congeniality, Sleepless in Seattle, Avatar, the Mission Impossible series, You've Got Mail, Alice in Wonderland, A Beautiful Mind, Pixar Movies, most Will Smith films, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and the Star Wars Saga, the Pirates of the Carribean films, 27 dresses, Made of Honor, the Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Father of the Bride.


I would be to lazy to type all of that in to Facebook.


I like one-on-one, face to face, communication.


I'm generally very reserved, but under the right situations I can have tons of fun.


I don't rent movies or go to the theater unless someone, anyone, goes with me.


I hate text messaging.
I love it when someone sends me one, though.
I text to avoid inconveniencing others.


There is so much I want to do, but I rarely ever do it.


I knit, crotchet, write code, play video games and do other things that I can't seem to remember.


I'll forget anything.


I have to think about my age.
I constantly forget what I am saying, while I am saying it.
My little brother will be 18 next month.


I often joke that my parents tried for the best child three times, and stopped because they finally got it right.
Often times, I believe that.


I love to play the piano, the organ, and the guitar.
I don't play any of those three that well.


I constantly question what I am doing with my life,
because I'm not sure what my Daddy wants me to do with it.


I like Invader Zim, Gilmore Girls, GOSICK, Naruto, Kim Possible, Spongebob Squarepants, Looney Tunes, Hansaku Iroha, nichijou, and Burn Notice.
Yes, all of those were TV shows. They weren't all American, though.


I've loved Japanese culture ever since I was a little child. I saw anime for the first time a little under a year ago.


I don't actually think anyone will read this far, but some of these things are nice to let out.
Some are just random trivia.


I love people for there personalities.
I hate prejudices and stereotypes associated with sex, age, race, and any other characteristics that a person doesn't choose.
My highest priority is avoiding those when I interact with people.


I have some friends that I hang out with that are over 50 years old.
I have some friends that I hang out with that are from completely different countries.
I have some friends that I hang out with that are guys.
I have some friends that I hang out with that are girls.
I treat them all the same.


I am like the salmon, I swim upstream.


I am guilty of the human tendency to say certain sins aren't as bad as others.
I still think that lying is as bad as murder.
I try my hardest to be honest and trustworthy.


I hate jeans, and pants in general...
but not as much as I hate shorts.


I don't use forks at home anymore.
I use chopsticks.
On occasion, I use a spoon.


I drink Tea, Coffee, Water, Soymilk, Juice, and, on extremely rare occasions, organic soda.


I want to get a facial one day.
I'd like someone to buy me a rose.
I'd like flowers, too.


I like white chocolate the most.
Dark chocolate is a close second.


I love to learn. I hate school


I want to write a book one day.
I used to be a poet.
I have dabbled in songwriting.


I love to help friends and family bear their burdens, but I don't like them to have to bear mine.


I love the rain, and sad music played emotionally on a piano or guitar.


I miss being a child, I miss being 14.


I'm terrified of divorce, and that affects how I handle dating and marriage.


I have low self-esteem.


I think about many things for long periods of time very deeply.


I'm always looking over my shoulder.


There are some good things about me, and some bad. I can't even begin to say this is a complete list. But I am myself, and I am happy when someone takes the time to get to know me better. I enjoy meeting up at Waffle House, sitting in the climbing tree at Sherlock Park, and grabbing coffee. Truthfully, I'll stand around in the middle of a parking lot for hours, just to talk, to become friends, or to become better friends.

My Personal Side

Ok. So...the previous post, wasn't really supposed to be here. I have another blog and I guess that I have it set to cross-post to this blog. Still, it is about time that I get something up here, and I will, soon. The reason I say that the other post really shouldn't have been here, is that I am aiming for a more personal blog over here and that post wasn't quite what I wanted.

However, after reading the last post over again, I want to comment on it. While my brother and I were playing Halo, my mind escaped from the game and I realized that I was spending time with my brother, and I really enjoyed sharing that moment with him. I also realized that we were in sync for most of the game, and enjoyed having someone nearby that I could communicate with without words. That's a feeling that is lost in my solitude, and I think one that I took for granted when I lived at home.

Lastly, today I read a post on the blog of a friend of mine where she talked about missing her college friends while she was away at summer camp, and it occurred to me. The most important person, and the most important people, in my life are still back home. And as I look at a summer residing here in Cookeville to take more classes, my heart is saddened, a welcome reaction for one who has felt so little this semester.

--

Sayonara,

Jonathan Burgess

Programming et al.

Today I broke open my programming lab for this week and was greeted with the best thing in programming since user input, pointers and, more specifically, dynamic variable declaration. This was something that I have wanted to do ever since I wrote an application that took the average of a predefined number of grades. I got really excited when I read about that and I still am, even if it is actually pseudo-dynamic. Needless to say, I am having fun in this class and I expect that this summer will be filled with a lot of programming.

In other news, my brother dropped by my apartment last night and we had a pretty good time. We played Halo: Combat Evolved on Heroic from 22:30 to 03:00 which is quite impressive for people who haven't played the game in ages, myself specifically who hasn't played anything but RPGs in the last 6 months.

Also, a few days ago, I acquired a Lodge Mfg. cast iron griddle/grill combo. It was just as bad as I had read it would be and did a better job as 20 grit sandpaper than it did as a nonstick skillet. I intend to season it further using the methods of Sheryl Canter, but until time comes around I've been getting by by cooking my food in too much oil. At any rate, I am enjoying having half of my stove-top dedicated to eggs, sandwiches, fish, pancakes, etc..

And lastly, if you are awake and interested, I do a rotation on WTTU Tech Radio every Saturday Night 23:00-00:00 CST.