I Don't Always Get What I Want

There have been many times in my life that my mother has looked at me and said, "You don't always get what you want," and all of those times she had been talking about how sometimes what you want is withheld from you, but that is not what this post is about. No, this time, 'getting what I want' is an action that I am failing to do.

Of course, this post doesn't address a particular time in my life, but a reoccurring problem.that I just realized today. There are so many things that I've wanted to try, buy, do, become, and refrain from, but I haven't. And while I've learned to live without some of those things already, I'm increasing finding that more and more things in my life are getting added to the list. Even more taxing than that, today it occurred to me that I want to get a Master's of Science in Artificial Intelligence and Data Mining, and that, so far, I haven't been acting like it.

This is something that makes me wonder, why don't I do what I want to do.

Just a Quick Blurb

Nothing super-special here, I just wanted to let my reader(and if there are others, readers) know that I have enabled viewing my blog on a mobile device, such as an Android phone or iPhone. Also, I have more to say, later, so stay tuned.

Held Back

Have you ever wanted something really bad, only to find a nameless something was holding you back? I have, I do. I just filed for withdrawal from my summer classes because I can't seem to do my homework. It is not that it is hard, rather it is extremely simple, but I just can't make myself do it. This has been a real source of trouble for me despite the fact that I have been a model student for the majority of my education. What's worse, is I know that getting my homework done is what I have to do to get what I know I want, but it just kills me to do it. I don't know why necessarily, but the problem exists anyways.

Of course, what's really beginning to bother me is the consequences of my current actions. I have lost my HOPE scholarship for good, I'm looking at losing my job at the school, ending up on Academic Probation, and if this continues for much longer, trying to pay off the thousands of dollars of school loan with a Burger King paycheck.

Stuff like this makes me wonder if what I'm doing is what God wants? I've asked Him repetitively to guide me, but at this rate, He's going to have to write on the wall in my apartment or I'm going to end up a serious mess.

--

From Heart and Mind,

Jonathan

Open

I read a post by one of my friends recently, and it inspired me to write post of my own. So, with a little Rooibos to calm my nerves, I'm going to try to be open.


I love my friends. My best friends share the same place in my heart as my family.
Most of my friends are girls.
Their gender means nothing to me.
I receive never-ending torture for it, though.


I trust my family with my safety, but not my secrets.
I trust my friends with some of my secrets.


I now know that people have hurt me in life...
that I've bottled it up...
and that the tremendous effort my subconscious constantly makes to keep that hurt buried is cause me mental, emotional, and spiritual stress to the point that it makes it hard for me to function as a normal person.


I am working through that with my Heavenly Daddy.


I compare my earthly father figures to Him, they keep losing.


I tricked my self into handling my emotions in my brain...
to protect my heart.
I think I fooled most people.


I lost feeling, though.
I lost motivation.
I'm getting better.


I still can't cry when I want to.


I've guarded one secret for more than a decade.
I want to tell it to someone, but I am afraid to get hurt.


I am a very delicate person, though I do not show it.
I love to be included in things, but I don't invite myself.


Mom and brother are sacred terms in my eyes.


I don't date.
I've never had my first kiss.
I've never had a girlfriend.
I've decided that I want only one girlfriend...
and only one wife.


I want someone to share my life with...
before I leave planet earth.


I believe my Heavenly Father will bring her to me.


I wear black because it is the only thing in my closet.
I tried to wear white.
I don't wear shorts.


I love music more than most, even though my mother doesn't believe me.


I want to live in Japan for at least five years...
and maybe become a citizen.


I like the town I grew up in...
only because of the people that are there.


I tell jokes. Most of them are not funny.


I like Halo.
I hate sports.


I think two-piece swimsuits are tacky.


I'm a gamer...
I have a Mattel Intellivision, NES, SNES, Sega Genesis, N64, Playstation 2, and an X-Box.


I always wonder if the usage of 'a' and 'an' are based on spelling or pronunciation.


I get great joy from the little things in life.


I am an observer.
I dedicate a large amount of energy and time to study everything and everyone around me, and do so with out realizing it.


I want to be a wise person that people seek for advice one day.
I love helping others through their problems.


I love to sleep...
but my little brother is better at it than I am.


I hate driving...
Walking, cycling, and the occasional bus ride are my primary means of transportation.


I love the fall, the winter, and the first part of the spring.
I hate it when it is hotter than 75 degrees.


I relish the individual beauty of each season...
except the summer, since I stay indoors.


I am a night owl.
I want to live in the city.


I like Green and Organic lifestyles, but only because God said we should be good stewards of what He has given us.


I hate to tell people what to do.
I was a manager at a fast food restaurant for 3 years.
I only yelled at my employees once,
and then I cried,
because I wanted to make my Heavenly Daddy proud.


You see, my Heavenly Daddy stepped in where my father figures on earth have failed.


I may be wrong in this, but I don't worry about making them proud.


I don't dwell on the future.
I hardly think about it at all.
I am afraid of it.
So I live in the here and now.
I don't think about the past...
Daddy told me not to.


By the way, I am still referring to my Heavenly Daddy, if I change to someone else, I'll clarify it.


I'm an imperfect perfectionist in an imperfect world with imperfect people.
In short, I'm crazy ;-}


I like Miss Congeniality, Sleepless in Seattle, Avatar, the Mission Impossible series, You've Got Mail, Alice in Wonderland, A Beautiful Mind, Pixar Movies, most Will Smith films, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and the Star Wars Saga, the Pirates of the Carribean films, 27 dresses, Made of Honor, the Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Father of the Bride.


I would be to lazy to type all of that in to Facebook.


I like one-on-one, face to face, communication.


I'm generally very reserved, but under the right situations I can have tons of fun.


I don't rent movies or go to the theater unless someone, anyone, goes with me.


I hate text messaging.
I love it when someone sends me one, though.
I text to avoid inconveniencing others.


There is so much I want to do, but I rarely ever do it.


I knit, crotchet, write code, play video games and do other things that I can't seem to remember.


I'll forget anything.


I have to think about my age.
I constantly forget what I am saying, while I am saying it.
My little brother will be 18 next month.


I often joke that my parents tried for the best child three times, and stopped because they finally got it right.
Often times, I believe that.


I love to play the piano, the organ, and the guitar.
I don't play any of those three that well.


I constantly question what I am doing with my life,
because I'm not sure what my Daddy wants me to do with it.


I like Invader Zim, Gilmore Girls, GOSICK, Naruto, Kim Possible, Spongebob Squarepants, Looney Tunes, Hansaku Iroha, nichijou, and Burn Notice.
Yes, all of those were TV shows. They weren't all American, though.


I've loved Japanese culture ever since I was a little child. I saw anime for the first time a little under a year ago.


I don't actually think anyone will read this far, but some of these things are nice to let out.
Some are just random trivia.


I love people for there personalities.
I hate prejudices and stereotypes associated with sex, age, race, and any other characteristics that a person doesn't choose.
My highest priority is avoiding those when I interact with people.


I have some friends that I hang out with that are over 50 years old.
I have some friends that I hang out with that are from completely different countries.
I have some friends that I hang out with that are guys.
I have some friends that I hang out with that are girls.
I treat them all the same.


I am like the salmon, I swim upstream.


I am guilty of the human tendency to say certain sins aren't as bad as others.
I still think that lying is as bad as murder.
I try my hardest to be honest and trustworthy.


I hate jeans, and pants in general...
but not as much as I hate shorts.


I don't use forks at home anymore.
I use chopsticks.
On occasion, I use a spoon.


I drink Tea, Coffee, Water, Soymilk, Juice, and, on extremely rare occasions, organic soda.


I want to get a facial one day.
I'd like someone to buy me a rose.
I'd like flowers, too.


I like white chocolate the most.
Dark chocolate is a close second.


I love to learn. I hate school


I want to write a book one day.
I used to be a poet.
I have dabbled in songwriting.


I love to help friends and family bear their burdens, but I don't like them to have to bear mine.


I love the rain, and sad music played emotionally on a piano or guitar.


I miss being a child, I miss being 14.


I'm terrified of divorce, and that affects how I handle dating and marriage.


I have low self-esteem.


I think about many things for long periods of time very deeply.


I'm always looking over my shoulder.


There are some good things about me, and some bad. I can't even begin to say this is a complete list. But I am myself, and I am happy when someone takes the time to get to know me better. I enjoy meeting up at Waffle House, sitting in the climbing tree at Sherlock Park, and grabbing coffee. Truthfully, I'll stand around in the middle of a parking lot for hours, just to talk, to become friends, or to become better friends.

My Personal Side

Ok. So...the previous post, wasn't really supposed to be here. I have another blog and I guess that I have it set to cross-post to this blog. Still, it is about time that I get something up here, and I will, soon. The reason I say that the other post really shouldn't have been here, is that I am aiming for a more personal blog over here and that post wasn't quite what I wanted.

However, after reading the last post over again, I want to comment on it. While my brother and I were playing Halo, my mind escaped from the game and I realized that I was spending time with my brother, and I really enjoyed sharing that moment with him. I also realized that we were in sync for most of the game, and enjoyed having someone nearby that I could communicate with without words. That's a feeling that is lost in my solitude, and I think one that I took for granted when I lived at home.

Lastly, today I read a post on the blog of a friend of mine where she talked about missing her college friends while she was away at summer camp, and it occurred to me. The most important person, and the most important people, in my life are still back home. And as I look at a summer residing here in Cookeville to take more classes, my heart is saddened, a welcome reaction for one who has felt so little this semester.

--

Sayonara,

Jonathan Burgess

Programming et al.

Today I broke open my programming lab for this week and was greeted with the best thing in programming since user input, pointers and, more specifically, dynamic variable declaration. This was something that I have wanted to do ever since I wrote an application that took the average of a predefined number of grades. I got really excited when I read about that and I still am, even if it is actually pseudo-dynamic. Needless to say, I am having fun in this class and I expect that this summer will be filled with a lot of programming.

In other news, my brother dropped by my apartment last night and we had a pretty good time. We played Halo: Combat Evolved on Heroic from 22:30 to 03:00 which is quite impressive for people who haven't played the game in ages, myself specifically who hasn't played anything but RPGs in the last 6 months.

Also, a few days ago, I acquired a Lodge Mfg. cast iron griddle/grill combo. It was just as bad as I had read it would be and did a better job as 20 grit sandpaper than it did as a nonstick skillet. I intend to season it further using the methods of Sheryl Canter, but until time comes around I've been getting by by cooking my food in too much oil. At any rate, I am enjoying having half of my stove-top dedicated to eggs, sandwiches, fish, pancakes, etc..

And lastly, if you are awake and interested, I do a rotation on WTTU Tech Radio every Saturday Night 23:00-00:00 CST.