With the year 2012 coming to a close, I have realized that many important things, both good and bad, have happened to me this year. Some, I have to take responsibility for while others rest purely on the shoulders of others.
I have to stop procrastinating. I can't even say when I started procrastinating, but I must have began early because the entirety of my memories contains acts of procrastination. Having done it for so long, I don't think I ever realized I needed to stop until this December. I can look back and see the consequences of it on my life and, most notably, my college education, but I only realized it two weeks ago when a surprise low in my sugar levels prevented me from completing homework I had planned finish 30 minutes before class. I still can't understand why I procrastinated one of the most desired things in my life, but maybe if I can stop the lifestyle the reason will matter no more.
At about the same time I realized I needed to stop procrastinating, I realized that I am very pessimistic about things pertaining to myself. I find my self constantly focusing on the negative aspects of myself, elevating my failures over my achievements. There was a time when I tricked myself into believing that this was humility. Recently, I've been in denial of the fact that I've been trying to push myself over the edge. Now I know it, and now I will strive to be different, to be better. "I'm forgiving what I've done." - Linkin Park
Despite my procrastination, I have managed to learn a lot this semester. While I am a long way away from being able to write this post in Japanese, my ability after three months of study is the subject of amazement among those I have encountered. I am quite thankful that God has blessed me in this regard. More and more I get the feeling that He wants me here. I look forward to seeing what He has to come, and to getting better at my Japanese.
I've also learned that I can't expect myself to fix everything. This year, so many things have happened to my friends, family, and church that I have felt the need to fix, but haven't been able to. Once upon a time, a man I knew had to make a tough choice in regard to his daughter and that caused me to contemplate how difficult it would be to place one's family in the hands of God and be responsible for the family at the same time. This year, my family was torn apart by a second divorce and the consequences resulted in immense difficulty for those close to me. For months, I was consumed with thoughts of what I should do to help my family emotionally and financially as they went through this tough time. I was prepared to quit school, move back home, and take on a full time job to help out. But after some time, I realized that I needed to let God take care of my family and that I needed to step through the door he had opened for me.
I've also realized that it is highly likely that I will never be married. I tend to go back an forth on this subject, but some recent events have solidified the idea in my mind. The divorce of my mother and step-father, and the ending of the dating relationships between my two brothers and my two of my best friends caused doubt to resurface. While there is no doubt that the divorce of parents has an effect on the children, this was my second. To add to it, my oldest little brother and his girlfriend had a relationship that everyone was almost certain would end only in death, but the two were choosing radically different paths in life and the relationship saw its end. My youngest brother and his girlfriend had a rocky relationship that had no doubt began years ago, but became official here at the beginning of the year. Despite the complications of their relationship, they always came back together. However, this time, it really is over. After that, I read a lot about dating relationships and marriage and I became convinced that my complete lack of desire and other aspects in my life made a single life the only possibility for me. Furthermore, this was cemented in my mind when a discussion with my friend Yusuke yielded the following verses:
8But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 NASB
With the previous in mind, I move forward as I am.
I look forward to what God has for me in the future, because I can see where God has done so much in the past. Also, on a personal level, I can see where I can improve in 2013 and the wisdom of the Japanese, which also happens to be the wish of my late Grandmother, compels me to がんばんって。(Do my best!)
I don't write here nearly enough. I want to, but it seems what I want to do isn't always what I do. I guess that, if I wanted to, I could justify not posting since I only know of one of my friends who reads this. Then again, others might read it without subscribing to it. Even if no one does, I would argue that this is worth writing even if Grace is the only one who reads it. That said, I think it is time to get on with the reason for writing this post and shed a little light on the title of it.
I've been moved out of my parent's house for close to a year and a half at this point. Furthermore, I've been living in a legitimate apartment that I have been paying for myself. I officially have my own life, bills, belongings, and all. And yet, I don't feel like I'm at home. I can remember traveling to the various place I've been in life, and returning home with a feeling that was like, "I'm home." It was relaxing and refreshing. That is a feeling I haven't known for a long time. For that last 6-7 months, I've wanted to be in Crossville while I was in Cookeville, and Cookeville while I was in Crossville. Increasingly, I am feeling more and more like I don't belong in either place. Still, I know that I have a home, I just don't feel it.
It would seem that knowledge and feelings are often different, as I have been coping with their inconsistencies for years now. Even now, given everything I've mentioned above, and the myriad of other things that I have experience in recent years, I still don't feel like I'm an adult. Matter of fact, I haven't felt any different for nearly a decade. I've handled all matter of tough decisions and problems, but before, during, and since each event I've felt the same. However, this doesn't necessarily make me feel bad, as I still don't see an advantage to the stuck up, boring lifestyle that adults appear to have in general. Of course, my viewpoint on life is the subject of another post.
Still, I wish I could feel like I'm at home when I am.
The following was supposed to be published in January. I had one more thing I wanted to add to it, but forgot to do so. So, if you can, please pretend it is late January when you read this.
Life is an adventure.
Unlike many adventures we've read about in books, however, life is not constantly filled with captivating, or for that matter, interesting stories. That said, there have been a few things happen lately that I feel are blog-worthy. Here they are, in the order that they come to mind.
The day was a Sunday in the current month, but far enough back that I've had time to reflect on the situation, and I have volunteered to be part of a skit at the Church. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but with my friends Lori and Jordan participating, I just naturally kind of stepped up to the plate. In reflection, I'm kind of surprised I did, but nevertheless, I look forward to what is ahead. This will be the first skit I've been a part of in a decade. The last time I was an extra who just stood and watched with anticipation the actions of the lead characters. This time, I have the honour, the burden, and the pleasure of being the one who will portray the lead character.
Right after, or maybe it was right before, the above Sunday, I started classes at TTU. I had to sign up for a bunch of classes just because I needed to maintain full time status, but all that prompted was the perusing of the TTU catalog in greater depth. What did I find? I signed up for Kempo, Tai Chi, and Kendo along with Object-Oriented Programming and a class in the use of signs and symbols in language. All of these classes are great, but I must say I am really happy to be taking the Tai Chi class, which I will be spelling Taiji from this point on. My particular excitement comes in part from the fact that I have wanted to study Taiji (太极) for quite some time. Further increasing my elation, the teacher of the class has been studying from the Chen masters herself, and believes in teaching legitimately. She also is against assigning rank of any kind, a task that has become a monetary pursuit in much of western society. Furthermore, my teacher has, at my request, stated that I could take private lessons from her as well.
And there there are the assorted small things that make life a little bit more wonderful. I found a website that provide two envelopes of candy from Japan per month! I just recently got a cat from Japan!(A plush cat called Sakamoto)`` Also, I was recently able to replace my X-Box 360 with a Halo 3 Edition X-Box 360.
