I have to stop procrastinating. I can't even say when I started procrastinating, but I must have began early because the entirety of my memories contains acts of procrastination. Having done it for so long, I don't think I ever realized I needed to stop until this December. I can look back and see the consequences of it on my life and, most notably, my college education, but I only realized it two weeks ago when a surprise low in my sugar levels prevented me from completing homework I had planned finish 30 minutes before class. I still can't understand why I procrastinated one of the most desired things in my life, but maybe if I can stop the lifestyle the reason will matter no more.
At about the same time I realized I needed to stop procrastinating, I realized that I am very pessimistic about things pertaining to myself. I find my self constantly focusing on the negative aspects of myself, elevating my failures over my achievements. There was a time when I tricked myself into believing that this was humility. Recently, I've been in denial of the fact that I've been trying to push myself over the edge. Now I know it, and now I will strive to be different, to be better. "I'm forgiving what I've done." - Linkin Park
Despite my procrastination, I have managed to learn a lot this semester. While I am a long way away from being able to write this post in Japanese, my ability after three months of study is the subject of amazement among those I have encountered. I am quite thankful that God has blessed me in this regard. More and more I get the feeling that He wants me here. I look forward to seeing what He has to come, and to getting better at my Japanese.
I've also learned that I can't expect myself to fix everything. This year, so many things have happened to my friends, family, and church that I have felt the need to fix, but haven't been able to. Once upon a time, a man I knew had to make a tough choice in regard to his daughter and that caused me to contemplate how difficult it would be to place one's family in the hands of God and be responsible for the family at the same time. This year, my family was torn apart by a second divorce and the consequences resulted in immense difficulty for those close to me. For months, I was consumed with thoughts of what I should do to help my family emotionally and financially as they went through this tough time. I was prepared to quit school, move back home, and take on a full time job to help out. But after some time, I realized that I needed to let God take care of my family and that I needed to step through the door he had opened for me.
I've also realized that it is highly likely that I will never be married. I tend to go back an forth on this subject, but some recent events have solidified the idea in my mind. The divorce of my mother and step-father, and the ending of the dating relationships between my two brothers and my two of my best friends caused doubt to resurface. While there is no doubt that the divorce of parents has an effect on the children, this was my second. To add to it, my oldest little brother and his girlfriend had a relationship that everyone was almost certain would end only in death, but the two were choosing radically different paths in life and the relationship saw its end. My youngest brother and his girlfriend had a rocky relationship that had no doubt began years ago, but became official here at the beginning of the year. Despite the complications of their relationship, they always came back together. However, this time, it really is over. After that, I read a lot about dating relationships and marriage and I became convinced that my complete lack of desire and other aspects in my life made a single life the only possibility for me. Furthermore, this was cemented in my mind when a discussion with my friend Yusuke yielded the following verses:
8But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 NASBWith the previous in mind, I move forward as I am.
I look forward to what God has for me in the future, because I can see where God has done so much in the past. Also, on a personal level, I can see where I can improve in 2013 and the wisdom of the Japanese, which also happens to be the wish of my late Grandmother, compels me to がんばんって。(Do my best!)
